Interesting how the Universe delivers. We get a subtle knowing of the very thing or things we need to take a closer look at and think “Hmmm, okay, maybe I should spend some time with this and see what comes up”. A week goes by and you’re still occasionally thinking about it (especially when something ruffles your feathers) and you think “Great reminder. I’ll look into this very soon!”. Another week goes by and your patting yourself on the back for remembering that this is something that you need to spend some time with. You justify and rationalize not spending the time with it, because you want to wait for that perfect time where you have good, uninterrupted time and can devote yourself to it wholly. It’s all good. You’ll eventually get to it. Or will you?
Will you get to it before the Universe delivers a punch so big that you cannot postpone or wait a second longer? Where you feel like a two by four has been delivered with a good solid blow to every single part of your knowing, with a deliberate “WHAMMO! Can you hear me now “Spiritual Self”???, ringing ever so loudly through your head. It’s almost laughable if you can get through the initial shock and pain of it all. In fact, if you are aware enough you might be able to even appreciate it as it’s happening. It is after all, proof that there is something bigger than the “ego self” at work here.
Sometimes we just don’t hear unless it’s loud enough. Our senses get dulled and we spend a lot of our time numbed out and dumbed down with the ritualistic conditioned lives we lead. Let me get a little personal here. I’ll share my story with you to give you a tangible example of what I’m eluding to in my above scenario. As many of you know, I am an avid studier and practicer of the “Spiritual Way”, whatever that means. (practicer…not sure that’s a word but I guess it is now because I just used it ;-)). To me it means I do my best to stay present, take responsibility for what is going on in my life, being kind and compassionate and staying positive and in gratitude! Those last two things are important here. I actually pull all the “spiritual way” off pretty decent, most of the time. However, did you notice that nowhere in the description of what I think the “Spiritual Way” looks like, do I mention, embracing my anger, my sadness, my hurt, my frustration, my feelings of victimization? I could go on I suppose. The truth of it is that I don’t, or I haven’t allowed myself the liberty of owning these things. The thing that hit me a few weeks back was that I should take a look at the places in my life that I feel these things come up. Until now, anytime they would come up, I would practice what I preach and say to myself “you know what, I have no right to feel this way about that. I am so blessed. I have “this” and “that” and “this” and “that” and these things are truly the important things in life! I would never trade them for “this” or “that” or “this” or “that”. It’s all good and I have too much to be grateful for to spend time on things that don’t support my highest good. Therefore I will not allow these things to have power over me and I’m not going to even look at them”.
Do you see the important message in my self talk? There is a part of me, deep down in the shadows of my subconscious, that believes that I would have to trade the amazing and blessed things in my life for more freedom, more money, more experiences etc…! If you were to ask me if I believed I could have both, I would tell you yes, absolutely! I would tell you if I were coaching you that you are Divine Energy and perfect at your core so there is nothing but perfection and whatever you desire is available to you now and always. This is what I “believe”…. or is it? So THIS was what I was “going” to take a deeper look at. You know…eventually… when I had time…. soon, very soon. I was going to allow the feelings of frustration, victimization, anger, sadness etc. come up. I was going to acknowledge these parts of myself as holy and important and a spiritual part of my experience in this human form. I was going love these parts of myself and thank them. I was going fully acknowledge them and not shove them away like something not be be looked at and something that is NOT spiritual. Well, I guess I waited a little too long for the Universes liking.
I had something happen to me that left me feeling so angry, so victimized, so incredibly vulnerable, sad and violent even. There’s a person that went behind my back and did something very sneaky and underhanded. This person isn’t even someone I’m friends with or interact with on a personal, daily level but someone that I have had business dealings with. I have no problem sharing the whole story, but you’ll have to take my word for it, it’s long and boring and really isn’t the point of this story anyway (the point is my reaction to what happened). I left a meeting with this individual, seething mad. I mean, I seriously wanted to do physical harm to him and I might have, had the group situation and the circumstances been different. I could hardly breathe, swallow or speak except for the “F-bomb” that somehow flowed very easily out of my mouth and was the easiest word to express once I was out of ear shot (hmmm – go figure).
This was the Universe getting my attention! “WAMMMO!!! CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW “Spiritual Self”?. Oh man! Was I seeing stars and completely taken out of my normal calm and rational, grateful “spiritual self”. There was NO denying this anger and these feelings. There was no part of me saying, “it’s all good, look how blessed I am normally”, no siree bob! There was NONE of the so called “Spiritual Self” showing up anywhere! Little Ms. “Happy Pants” had left the party! The “Raging Biiiatch” had made her grand entrance! I allowed myself the guilty pleasure of planning my attack. How could I make HIS life a living hell? An eye for an eye right?!! I said to the Universe “if you want the angry, vengeful, unforgiving, sad and resentful me, you got it!”
I got home and tried to eat but literally could not swallow my food. My throat was closed shut, I was shaking and I could feel the tears a comin’. I knew, I absolutely knew (my “Spiritual Self” knew that is) that this had to be about more than this guy and his dirty deeds. This was about ME, and I had to ask myself why this was showing up and why was this person and this experience having this much control and power over every cell in my body. And so here you have it…
I know that last statement sounded confusing but it actually does make sense. Read it again if you need to. Let me tell you, I didn’t like it. I didn’t like this feeling ONE BIT! I knew I had brought this on! I politely excused myself from the presence of my very,very, quiet beloved Tom and went to process this in the shower where I could just go ahead and ball my eyes out and get that part of it done with. Rather than not acknowledge the feelings though, I chose to consciously embraced the crying and accepted it as part of my human experience (regardless of how swollen it would leave my eyes in the after math). It felt good to feel good about crying as that is something I generally don’t do much of (never a real need for it since I’m good at staying in the gratitude mode most of the time and can overall see my life IS really beautiful and blessed).
After my shower I retreated to my meditation room and laid on the floor with a washrag covering my eyes. I allowed every feeling and emotion of hurt, sadness, envy, victimization and frustration come to greet me. I said hello to every bit of it and I didn’t have to search far to find it either. It was quite liberating to allow myself to feel these things completely and without feeling weak or somehow NOT spiritual. It truly felt like I was being allowed a free pass, or something like that, to actually get to feel these things and not have to talk myself out of them. In this time of acknowledgement, I eventually came full circle. By the end of my time, though still not okay with what went down, I remembered that this guy was operating on the level of awareness he had at this time (as we all are) and that at his core, the core that is one with me, the core that is one with the Universe/God/Spirit/Source, he is a Divine Being. I connected with that part of him and sent love to that part of him and I affirmed that God was bringing perfect results to the situation for the highest good of everyone involved. I surrendered in that moment to the faith I had in this thought.
The truth of it is, that this is not over yet I’m afraid. I still have lots of work to do to wholly embrace ALL of my human emotions and remember that they are ALL a part of the “Spiritual Self”. That I am on this ride called the Human Experience that encompasses it ALL! That while I can honor these feelings and emotions, I don’t have to get stuck in them. It does feel better to stay in gratitude and remember how blessed I am for the most part, but my work is to also recognize the other emotions that can create the opposite experience of bliss. And NO, I wouldn’t trade the beautiful life I’ve got for the things or experiences I feel “the lack of” at times. It is only I who says that I would have to trade anything at all for the things and experiences that I wished I had more of. Why should I have to? Who says I can’t have it all?
One more point I want to drive home, because this was really important in calming me down and shifting my energy when I was laying there on the floor with my tear soaked washrag. I became deeply aware that this big energy that I had just experienced and that I would have normally labeled as bad, (it certainly didn’t FEEL good, that’s for sure), was simultaneously creating it’s opposite. In other words because everything that exists has to have an opposite in order to create the opportunity for having the experience at all, meant that complete joy, absolute forgiveness, feeling entirely powerful in my own being, love and EVERYTHING opposite of what this “bad” experienced had caused me to feel, was now mine to claim. If only I chose to find it. That thought expanded my world by so much and excited me beyond belief. It was like coming through the birth canal all bloodied and confined, squished, breathless, in shock and in pain, to the new deepened possibility of everything of it’s opposite. It’s just how it works. So if this experience had it’s opposite just waiting for me to claim it, WOW! what an unbelievably good feeling experience I will have (when I’m ready to swim in that vortex of reality). I was ready then and floated there for a while until I felt better. I know that expanded reality hasn’t gone anywhere and that everything I could ever want or desire or dream of IS possible and I don’t have to trade anything to claim it, EVER, as it already is mine and the TRUTH of who I am – my “Spiritual Self”!
Thanks for hanging in there with me. I know this was a long story but it was profound for me on a feeling/knowing level verses the mind level and I felt compelled to share.
Always, I remind you to love yourself as the Divine Being and that you are and embrace ALL of your self as your “Spiritual Self” !
“To start from the self and try to understand all things is delusion. To let the self be awakened by all things is enlightenment.”
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